Biggest and Commons Mistakes of Divorce

For you to be successful in the divorce process, it takes work, planning, preparation, mindset and avoiding the biggest and common mistakes in divorce. What are they?

One: Getting stuck in positional thinking

It is important to understand that in divorce there will be some form of negotiation by both spouses. It took two people to get married and it will take two people to get divorced.

Neither party is going to get everything they want in their divorce settlement agreement, yet, the biggest mistake people make is inheriting the 'my way or the highway' mentality. This line of thinking prevents engagement and flexible thinking and most likely prolong divorce proceedings which amount to significant stress, high amounts of money, time and energy.

Positional thinking prevents one from engaging in an interests-based negotiation process and taking the steps necessary to move forward.

Two: Emotional Justice

Are you finding yourself using the court process to seek retribution or a sense of fairness (the other F word) in your divorce in an effort to right perceived wrongs and/or punish your spouse? Then you are seeking emotional justice.

The courts are concerned with the laws of divorce, not the emotion of it.

The family court is not intended to be a punitive process but a process based on laws and statutes regarding property division, asset/debt distribution, support and custody. Did you know Australia, Canada, United Kingdom and United States of America have a 'no fault' divorce? This means that the court has no role in determining fault for the breakdown of the marriage. Neither spouse needs to prove the reason or the causes of the breakdown of the marriage.

No matter how compelling your story may be, the role of the judge is to remain neutral and objective, ruling based on evidence when it comes to spousal support and property division.

The use of the court system for emotional justice is simply disruptive, costly and damaging of any potential future relationships, especially when children are involved.

Three: Turning over Decision-Making Power

Major decisions occur when one is informed, clear-headed and not pressured, however this is rarely felt this way in divorce. Therefore, parties involved in the separation may be eager to give their decision-making power away to somebody else, this delegation of power often results of many fears, uncertainties and unknowns encountered in divorce.

Sadly, fear is expensive.

It is understandable that there are so many decisions to be made and it may feel easier to let somebody else to be the decider. You may decide to hire an expert, whether it be a lawyer or/and financial advisor and rely upon their expertise. However in reality, they are advisors and at the end of the divorce proceedings, these advisors won't be around.

Once the dust settles, it is you who has to live with those decisions. If the decisions been made are not in the best interests of you and your children, then it can lead to further frustration, disappointment and more money.

Ultimately, you are the decision-maker as it is your life and your future.

Four: Engaging in the Assumption Iceberg

There is an old saying, "we judge ourselves by our intentions - and others by their actions" Conflict is inevitable in divorce. 

You know where you are coming from - your motives and what you intend - and so this is how you judge your behaviour. But, you only experience the impact of your spouse's behaviour on you.  You may make assumptions about their motives, without knowing what they actually intended. This difference is crucial.

It's precisely these assumptions (or mind reading) that puts you and others on the defensive. When both sides treat these assumptions as 'truth' even though there is no proof it leaves the parties feeling misunderstood, judged or criticised. Consequently, it's hard for anyone to be reasonable and resolve conflicts from this state of mind.

So, what's the answer? Well the way to move away from assumptions and mind-reading is to keep an open mind and approach the situation using curiosity. "The Assumption Iceberg" says that while we all see the incident (what is said and done), the vast majority of information is still waiting to be uncovered - hidden beneath the surface, just like an iceberg.

 Five: Setting Unrealistic Expectations

Have you watched any of the following movies?

• It's Complicated

• Marriage Story

• The Breakup

• Enough Said

• Crazy, Stupid Love

• Mrs Doubtfire

They may have distorted one's perception from reality.  

For the most part, everyone knows someone who has been divorced. Expectations inherited about divorce process are often learnt from family and friends' experiences and through movies / tv shows too. Expectations build high levels of conflict which result in disappointment. 

It is important to know or at least think about what you need emotionally and financially when the divorce is over. It is unrealistic to expect that there will be no disruption or change in your current life. But with proper planning and strategy, this will help to minimise the disruption.

How can I help?  

Through the utilisation of education, information, tools and strategies, I can assist empower clients to engage in an informed decision making process so you can avoid the pitfalls in order to reach a timely and peaceful resolution.

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